My Stolen Lullabies

A Poem

Photo by Ksenia Makagonova on Unsplash

Trigger warning: infant loss and infertility

The real heartache
Comes in fleeting moments.

Your mom mentioning
Holding onto a baby book
For us one day.

A surrogacy subplot
Appearing out of the blue
On my new TV show.

My half birthday,
When I was officially older
Than my mom was
When she lost
Any future fruits
From her tree,
Finally uprooted.

Saying congratulations
And wanting to mean it,
So desperately
That I hate myself when
I disappear for the bathroom
During your sisters baby shower,
Only to have my own shower,
An outpouring of grief
For a happiness
I might never reach.

The mourning happens
In the middle of the night,
When I’m lying awake,
Still in pain,
Listening to you snore,
Alone with my thoughts.
In the thousands of moments
Of loss…